I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Buying a well is money well spent.
what are they serving at kfc then???
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When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
superman landing like a plane on his belly
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.