@TEXASVETERAN

I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

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@SabyForrester

“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”

@TheAdly

I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.

@jus4golf

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@DjKC_117

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

@comer310

Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?

@MadHatterMommy

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

@DrunjAF

A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.

@not_liberal

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection