I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”