I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

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“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”


I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.


If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.


People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.


I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.


Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?


Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago


A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.


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Press 1 or 2 for Indian


In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection