I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Not all heroes wear capes….
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/