Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”

~My son apparently

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?

I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

[Talking Heads GPS]

YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.

#have a #great #PancakeDay

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!

HER: No, spelunking is a thing

ME: Ha ha, absototesly.

I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok