I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
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As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Twitter is an abusement park.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.