@crunchenhanced
@david8hughes “Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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@david8hughes 
@clindsaysway Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
@DrunjAF Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
@neiltyson USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
@Tmoney68 A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
@Robert_Beau Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
@alexjmann You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
@AmishSuperModel Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
@happymilly1 My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
@PrincesaBallena 8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER