I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
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I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?