I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
three things we don’t talk about
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.