I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
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[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.