I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
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I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
I’m awake but I object,
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
the best thing i’ve ever made
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?