I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
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I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”