I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
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I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.