I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
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How do you like your Corgi?
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
No Google it does not
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in