I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
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Go hard or stay average
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”