I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
i think both sides are to blame here
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.