I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
You Might Also Like
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
🙀🙀🙀😹
notice
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”