I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I have obtained a hat
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
*cough*