I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
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Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.