I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
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Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Yes, but it was never about money
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.