I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
You Might Also Like
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
me doing my best
Straight people are cancelled
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.