The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser