@jwoodham The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
@ieatanddrink I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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@jwoodham 
@Playing_Dad [At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
@Ochayethewu *Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
@birbigs What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
@SketchesbyBoze the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
@TheToddWilliams I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
@CulturedRuffian ‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
@ValeeGrrl Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
@leftarmisme If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
@neoselket Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser