I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
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Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat