@ieatanddrink

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

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@jwoodham

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

@Playing_Dad

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

@Ochayethewu

*Creates Animals*

God: They’re magnificent.

Angel: Some of ur best work.

Man: Which ones go on pizza?

@birbigs

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

@SketchesbyBoze

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

@TheToddWilliams

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

@CulturedRuffian

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

@ValeeGrrl

Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]

7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE

Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.

@leftarmisme

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@neoselket

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser