I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
You wish you had this many chins.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.