I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
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I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us