I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.