I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
You Might Also Like
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Hamburger Hinderer.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up