I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
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*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”