I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Fat chances are my favorite chances
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?