I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”