I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
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I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.