‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Inside you there are two wolves
Whoa 😂
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser