@ArfMeasures Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
@michaeldean0116 ‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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@ArfMeasures 
@SteveDutzy My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
@callmeEvian If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
@WilliamAder My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
@UnFitz I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
@ArfMeasures 14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
@mijamtweets My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
@aotakeo VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
@RiotGrlErin a wizard dating app called bumbledore
@ch000ch me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary