‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
calling in to work dehydrated
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic