‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.

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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone


My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man


My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.


I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?


14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal


My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.


VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!


me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary