‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
You Might Also Like
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all