I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
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My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Strange
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
#NeverForget
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.