I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy