I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
the saddest jazz hands ever
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.