@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

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@coketruck76

I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@Orchidano

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

@MelvinofYork

If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again

@GonzoVice

You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@fro_vo

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

@clichedout

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

@schumoo

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival