I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
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TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival