I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Haha! 😂
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*limbos under the caution tape
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Can’t stop laughing
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.