I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
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Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I identify as an antique shop.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Well, that should do it
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.