I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
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I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*