I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
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Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
6. me as a lawyer
(True)
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.