I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
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The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me too, bag. Me too….
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Look at this
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED