I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud