I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

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I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.


If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…


the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat


WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap


Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?


Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.


I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.


You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.


My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral