@WittySassBasket

I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

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@Convokid22

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@Tmoney68

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@mommajessiec

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@VerbsRProudest

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.