I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.