I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’

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Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.


Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*


Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.


I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.


It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.


Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.


A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.