Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Convokid22

Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.

@NEthingButWork

Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*

@breatheandlove

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

@Tmoney68

Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.

@mactx85

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

@mommajessiec

It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.

@becabird

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@VerbsRProudest

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

@ojedge

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”