Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”