I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
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Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
want me to check your oil?
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim