I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

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I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.


INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.


No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”


me: make me irresistible to women

genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha

me: *raises hind leg over lamp*

genie: wait no stop


My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…


When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.


ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.

CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?


Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.