I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
How to draw a duck
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.