@RS3Feed
@topaz_kell I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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@topaz_kell 
@Bexdora INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
@LizHackett No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
@sonictyrant me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
@NippleHips Jokes on them. I took 10.
@Branka_R My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
@joeljeffrey When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
@RCKruseKontrol ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
@stevevsninjas Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
@TheToddWilliams KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?