I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Jokes on them. I took 10.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now