I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
some cats are just doing for fun!
4yo: Why don鈥檛 brother and sister listen?
Me: You don鈥檛 either!
4yo: I know but this isn鈥檛 about me right now
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he鈥檚 9.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren鈥檛 wasted.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I鈥檒l start going to the gym tomorrow.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she鈥檚 wearing pajamas.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Never let kids google names of Pok茅mon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”