I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
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My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.