I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
QB: So extra point or conversion?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
my nickname in college
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
snake: i have a question
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause