I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
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i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Me in tagged photos
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.