I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
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How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
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Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
the noise i just made
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-