I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

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Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.


If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.


“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink


Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”


[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*


Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.


If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.


Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church


Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue