@OlanDevine

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

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@Donna_McCoy

Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.

@justabloodygame

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

@CarpeAngela

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

@massive_images

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

@huntigula

[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@AndyShulk

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

@TheWinegasm

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church

@TheTweetOfGod

Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue