I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand