I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”


im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances


British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years


Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.


I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.


If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.


I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.


I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.