I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
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had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Bruh PLEASE
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis