I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Cake!!
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.