I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay