I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
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things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob