I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t