I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
You Might Also Like
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”