I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
playing pool? you mean swimming?
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
This week’s mood.
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
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me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public