@__sambha

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

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@ndmckeown

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

@jannable9

Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

How the tables have turned Kate.

@vangobot

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

@imdaintyaf

Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.

@UnFitz

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

@clichedout

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

@AmishPornStar1

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

@TinksEyeView

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

@girl_a_whirl

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

@ArfMeasures

[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t