I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
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As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash