I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
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Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.